If you missed the West, get at it. The East “preview” transpires below.
(1) Chicago Bulls v. (8) Philadelphia 76ers
(2) Miami Heat v. (7) New York Knicks
(3) Indiana Pacers v. (6) Orlando Magic
(4) Atlanta Hawks v. (5) Boston Celtics
Eric W: Edward, hello. Again. We generally agreed on most things out West. This upsets me deeply, but great minds, right?
It is your opinion that the West is arguably weaker than the East. I don’t think the East is even close to the West. The West is much better than the East. That being said, the NBA champion may very well come out of the East. But, if I were a betting man, and I think we’ve established that I am, I would bet this year’s champion will come out of the West. Yes, I know the Miami Heat are an Eastern team. And yes, I do hate Lebron James and Chris Bosh.
The team with the best record in the league could be in some serious trouble. The Bulls, or Really-The-Only-Team-That-Could-Beat-The-Heat, as they are known around my apartment, just lost Derrick Rose for the remainder of the season. (Sadly, this also means no 2012 Olympics for Derrick, either). I still don’t think it affects the outcome of their first series. The Bulls did play well without Rose in the regular season, but with D-Rose (RIP) out, can the Bulls still make some noise deep into the Playoffs?
The Heat are so much fun to hate. It’s almost unhealthy. But, damn, are they good. The Knicks have a shot to stifle them, especially with that MSG crowd. But after a deflating defeat in Game 1 in Miami and the loss of Iman Shumpert (RIP), it might not happen after all. I want the Knicks to win more than any man should, but I have my doubts. What say you, Ed?
The Magic are boring. The Hawks are bland. The Celtics are old. The Pacers are a three-seed, and that’s not a typo. The 76er’s went full Louganis after the All-Star break and if it weren’t for the miserable Bucks pooping their collective pants, they could easily be sitting at home. Of these four I just mentioned, who has a legitimate shot to go deeper than the second round? Hint: There is a wrong answer.
Yes, I like money and I love the Grizzlies, but I would much rather watch the Heat lose than see the Grizz succeed.
Ed K: I stand by my comment about the East, before the Rose injury of course. The Bulls, Heat and Celtics all are (were) legit threats to win it all and the Knicks are as dangerous as a 7 seed comes. But I digress because Rose just shattered like a piece of glass with a thousand cracks already. (Moment of silence). The injury makes the Heat the clear favorites in the East. Bad times all around.
Let’s get round one over with. I love me some Knicks (other than Amare), and would like nothing more than the Heat to lose in round one. I’m still above picking that. Let’s just painfully accept the Heat aren’t losing until the conference finals at the earliest. The Pacers are a player and a year or two away from being able to make more than a murmur. The Hawks aren’t beating anyone without Big Al. And the Magic need to just go away.
The Bulls - Celtics in round two will be a low scoring bloodbath, but the Bulls aren’t winning a meaningful playoff series without Rose. Please be man enough to admit this. Boston with Rondo - Allen - Pierce - Garnett are the second best team in the East.
You wanted disagreements, well let’s talk about whether the Bulls are in fact the only team that can beat the Heat. I completely disagree. Even before the Rose injury, I was contemplating picking a Celtics over Bulls upset and think the Celtics will give the Heat all they can handle...and possibly more. They are peaking at the right time, have the mentality to make Lebron cry and actually believe they can win. Yes, I believe in the Celts and yes I’ll say it....anything is possible (INSANE KEVIN GARNETT YELLING VOICE).
So assuming you see enough of the light to know a Celtics - Heat Eastern Conference Finals matchup is coming, do you think I’m crazy thinking the Celtics can win?
EW: Short answer: Yes, you are insane.
Longer answer: While I agree that the Celtics are the only team left with a shot to beat Miami, I still don’t think it’s possible. And trust me, that’s a painful sentence to write This is Miami’s conference to lose at this point. (Quick pause while I repeatedly punch myself in the face).
(Okay, I’m back.)
The Knicks, as you say, are indeed a dangerous seven seed. Or they were. No Shumpert hurts them defensively in ways that I don’t think they can overcome. The historic blowout in Game 1 of this series does not help the Knicks’ confidence either. I refuse to call it a sweep for two reasons: (1) The MSG crowd and (2) Carmelo Anthony. I don’t have high hopes anymore that the Knicks can assassinate the Heat title hopes in Round 1, but I will say that this series is not over. Not quite yet at least. Final note on this series: If Lebron James flops one more time I might lose my mind. He’s embarrassing himself and the entire NBA.
Back to the Aging Celtics. You first need to realize that everything Simmons writes about the Celtics is his unapologetic biased opinion, not fact. The Celtics complete lack of front court depth is staggering. Jermaine O’Neal, RIP. Chris Wilcox, RIP. Brandon Bass, Kevin Garnett and Greg Steimsma. Those are the big men I can think of off the top of my head. There might be one more person taller than 6’9” but I’m not going to waste my time looking it up. That isn’t exactly ideal for a deep playoff run after this gauntlet of a shortened regular season. Also, Ray Allen is still hurt.
I will say in your defense that Rajon Rondo can and will absolutely eat Mario Chalmers alive. Avery Bradley is capable of locking down Dwyane Wade. KG will make Chris Bosh cry. Paul Pierce is and always will be The Truth. I just don’t know if the Celtics have what it takes anymore to outlast and out-will the likes of the Heat. Believe me, I hope you’re right, but I suspect that you aren’t.
The Magic-Pacers series is laughable. I watched a decent portion of the second half of Game 1 in this series and thought for sure down the stretch the Pacers were well on their way to winning and then the craziest thing happened, they lost. I’m not even quite sure how it happened. The Pacers do lack a go-to Alpha Dog. That is for sure. You’re right, they probably are still a year or two out from making any real ruckus in the Eastern Conference.
As for my Eastern Predictions:
Largest Difference In Free-Throws For and Free-Throws Against: Miami Heat.
Least Successful Over-Paid Two Guard: Joe Johnson, Atlanta Hawks.
Most Tears Shed: Chris Bosh, Miami Heat
Most Bitter About Derrick Rose’s Unfortunate ACL Tear: Michael Wilbon, ESPN via South Side, Chicago.
First Round:
Bulls over 76ers in 5. I think Philly just isn’t good.
Heat over Knicks in 5. I hate it as much as you do.
Pacers over Magic in 7. This is a coin flip. This series is wack.
Celtics over Hawks in 7. Closer than people think.
Second Round:
Celtics over Bulls in 6. No Rose and a field day for Rondo.
Heat over Pacers in 4. Bloodbath.
East Finals:
Heat over Celtics in 5. KG’s intensity steals a game and Bosh’s soul.
Finals:
Heat over the Grizzlies in 6. I hate myself.
EK: Look, lots of NBA players flop. But he is the biggest physical freak in the game and that makes his flops more obvious and embarrassing. Get up like a man and get in the face of a guy when you receive a hard foul, don’t embellish and roll around on the floor. Just another thing to hate about Lebron. His “Princess” title has never been more appropriate.
You confuse me. You make a small case for the Knicks, then pick them to lose in 5. I think the Heat will win for sure but think the series could go 6 or even 7. The Heat had a +22 FT advantage, Melo shot 20% and the Knicks had 24 turnovers. I don’t see any of those happening again, let alone all in one game. Just so you know I give the Knicks less of a chance you do yet I just made a stronger case and have them winning one more game. Let’s just move on before I pick them to win the series.
I am not drinking the William Simmons Kool-Aid. I just am calling it like I see it. Your points about the aging Celtics are well taken. But do these things really matter against the Heat? The Heat bench is worse than last year, especially on the front line. So the weakness that concerns you the most, might be a non-factor. Avery Bradley adds another dimension and I trust Doc Rivers over Spoelstra, if only by a little bit. One more run for the Boston Three Party (always enjoyed that one)...I think so.
Shots of Derrick Rose Per Playoff Game: Over/Under - 25
Most ill-advised jump shots: Josh Smith
What in the World Happens if He Plays?: Jeremy Lin
Worst Flopper: Lebron James
Best Flopper: Vlade Divac (Grandfathered In)
First Round:
Bulls over 76ers in 6. Depends on how Bulls react mentally.
Heat over Knicks in 6. You made me do this.
Pacers over Magic in 7. Anything could happen in this series and I wouldn’t be shocked.
Celtics over Hawks in 5. No Big Al, no chance.
Second Round:
Celtics over Bulls in 6. RIP Derrick Rose.
Heat over Pacers in 5. Horrible matchup for Pacers.
East Finals:
Celtics over Heat in 7. That Just Happened.
NBA Finals:
Thunder over Celtics in 6. Thunder Up.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Meeting of the Minds: NBA Playoffs - West
Editor’s Note: When big things happen in this world, Ed and Eric find it necessary to have a Meeting of the Minds. The NBA Playoffs start this weekend. This is a big thing. The following is the Meeting of their Minds.
Two installments: West and East. West goes first. East to follow.
(1) San Antonio vs (8) Utah
(2) Oklahoma City vs (7) Dallas
(3) LA Lakers vs (6) Denver
(4) Memphis vs (5) LA Clippers
Ed K: This is the first time AJ (After Jordan) that the Western Conference is arguably weaker than the East. That means a couple of things. One, Kobe Bryant is getting old. Two, it is wide open. Most people consider the Thunder the favorite but you could make an argument that everyone except Utah and Denver is a threat to come out of the conference, and even win it all.
Eric, here are a few questions we need to consider regarding the Western Conference. First, could defending champs Dallas give the Thundo a run for their money? The Thunder had a rough last month and it’s still unclear if the beard even knows where he is right now (credit: World Peace).
Can the Nuggets take out the Lakers? I know Kobe bitched out sat out the last game and conceded the scoring title to be fresh for this series. But Denver is young, has depth and my boys Ty Lawson and Kenneth Faried along with Furious George leading the way. Lakers are World Peaceless until game 7 (if necessary). Losing in the first round just seems like something Mike Brown would do. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.
Finally, if gambling were legal, would we have thought about putting money on the Grizzlies a month ago to win it all at 40-1 odds? (Wait, I think I know the answer to that one).
Eric W: So many questions. So little time. First I think we would be remiss if we didn’t take a moment to lament the fact that Steve Nash and his Suns did not sneak into the playoffs this year. Here’s hoping he doesn’t go to Miami. We love you Steve even if you can’t play defense.
We both know that Allas hasn’t been the same since Tyson Chandler left for New York. None D. Lamar Odom has been deactivated, or something to that effect that allows him not to play and also get paid. I need one of those deals. He has also done something I didn’t think was possible: he has made me legitimately interested in watching a Kardashian on my television. I wonder if his reality show with Khloe K has any revelations as to why Lamar has been so terrible this year. That’s really beside the point, but what I’m getting at is the Mavs are not the same team they were last year. Shawn Marion is infuriatingly decent and the JET still scores points. J. Kidd is older than my Dad, but he’s okay. But nothing about this team, other than Dirk, is great in my estimation. You know I don’t like to look things up, so this may be wrong, but I believe the Thundo took the Mavs to six games in last year’s match up. This year OKC is better and the Mavs are worse. You do the math. KD, Russy and The Beard (traumatic brain injury or not) will take care of points. Thabo, Serge and Perkins will take care of perimeter defense, protection at the rim and terrifyingly blank stare-downs, respectively. I think the Thunder are a more complete team right now than the Mavs.
Mike Brown would lose a first round playoff series. Unless he is getting swept in the 2007 Finals by the Spurs. I enjoy the Nuggets to an extent, but they lack what Bill Simmons would call the Alpha Dog. They don’t have a go-to scorer when they absolutely need buckets. The Nuggets are like a Real-World house cast. Together, they do mildly entertaining things and enjoy relative success, but apart they can only sustain their success by showing up at random bars/clubs and getting hammered drunk for nominal appearance fees. What I mean is that the Nuggets are a good team, without a great star, which is to be commended, but in no way defended in a seven game series against the Alpha Dog to end all Alpha Dogs (Kobe) bookended (sure, that’s a verb) by two legitimate seven-footers, even if one is Spanish. I wouldn’t be shocked if the Lakers find a way to mess this up, but when it comes down to Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol vs. JaVale McGee and Birdman, I’ll take the Lakers. My apologies to George.
If gambling were legal, you’re right, we would have definitely put a relatively miniscule amount of money on the Grizzlies to win the NBA Championship more than a month ago, because we love us some Grizzlies. More importantly, we love us some money. Apologies to KD and the rest of our Thundo. You will always be our favorite, unless we can win money.
EK: I’m with you on OKC - Dallas. I was just playing the pessimistic angle to see if you were worried at all. I think the series will be over in five. It’s possible OKC has three players better than anyone on Dallas (with sincere apologies to Dirk). Game. Set. Match.
Real quick shout out to the Spurs who are the quietest #1 seed in recent memory. Tony Parker has been a top-5 MVP candidate (I just said something nice about a Frenchman. I have lost all respect for myself) and you can’t say enough about Pop other than he’s the best coach in the league. End of story. They should move on easily to the second round where a potential Spurs - Grizz matchup is possible. I think the Grizz will be too much for LAC and engage in a seven game battle where depth, youth and Z-BO will knock out the Spurs. It’s also worth mentioning the Grizzlies give the Thunder all sorts of problems for whatever reason.
I’ll call it right now, the Lakers - Nuggets series is going seven games. I won’t take any cheap shots at Kobe (he takes enough shots of his own already), but I don’t think he has the ability to take over a series anymore. A game yes, but not a series. I think Denver will push them to the limit and we’ll see World Peace make his return in the deciding game. Drama.
Going back to the Thunder though, after round one I still think there is some cause for concern. Did they peak too early? Will Russ be too selfish? Is Beard okay? Can they conquer their Memphis demons? These are serious questions. I don’t have the answers.
I don’t have answers but I do have some predictions for the West:
Worst Coach - Vinny Del Negro, LAC (Honorable Mention: Mike Brown)
Man Time Award - Kenneth Faried, Denver
I Can’t Believe We Miss Barea Award - Dallas
First Round: OKC over Dallas in 5
LAL over Denver in 7
San Antonio over Utah in 5
Memphis over LAC in 6
Second Round: Memphis over San Antonio in 7
OKC over LAL in 6
Western Finals: OKC over Memphis in 7
EW: I see what you did there. Parentheticals are still cheap shots. Just because Kobe and I are on the outs after he refused to drop a crisp 53 on the Kings this past Thursday to win the scoring title doesn’t mean that you can slip in cheap shots and assume I’ll let them slip by. You are on notice. Don’t let it happen again.
I agree about Tony Parker, though. He may be the best point guard out West. Apologies to Chris Paul. And, no, I will not make apologies to Russell Westbrook, because he is not as good as Parker.
Predictions:
Most Free Throws Missed In A Game Of Consequence: Blake Griffin, Clippers.
Most Idiotic Pull Up 17-Footers in Traffic With League-Best Scorer/Teammate Open On The Wing: Russ Westbrook, Thunder.
Least Likely To Get Dunked On in First Round: Any San Antonio Spur, Spurs.
Most Likely To Catch A World Peace Elbow: Let’s be honest, no one is safe, Planet Earth.
First Round:
Spurs over Jazz in 4. The Jazz aren’t good.
Thunder over Mavericks in 5. I hate agreeing with you, but my above reasoning is sound.
Lakers over Nuggets in 6. Again, you have faith in Denver. I do not.
Memphis over Clippers in 5. Chris Paul, meet my friend, Tony Allen.
Second Round:
Memphis over Spurs in 7. Tony Parker, meet my friend, Tony Allen.
Thunder over Lakers in 5. Good luck guarding Russ Westbrook, Mike Brown.
Western Finals:
Memphis over Thunder in 7. Russell Westbrook, meet my friend, Tony Allen.
Two installments: West and East. West goes first. East to follow.
(1) San Antonio vs (8) Utah
(2) Oklahoma City vs (7) Dallas
(3) LA Lakers vs (6) Denver
(4) Memphis vs (5) LA Clippers
Ed K: This is the first time AJ (After Jordan) that the Western Conference is arguably weaker than the East. That means a couple of things. One, Kobe Bryant is getting old. Two, it is wide open. Most people consider the Thunder the favorite but you could make an argument that everyone except Utah and Denver is a threat to come out of the conference, and even win it all.
Eric, here are a few questions we need to consider regarding the Western Conference. First, could defending champs Dallas give the Thundo a run for their money? The Thunder had a rough last month and it’s still unclear if the beard even knows where he is right now (credit: World Peace).
Can the Nuggets take out the Lakers? I know Kobe bitched out sat out the last game and conceded the scoring title to be fresh for this series. But Denver is young, has depth and my boys Ty Lawson and Kenneth Faried along with Furious George leading the way. Lakers are World Peaceless until game 7 (if necessary). Losing in the first round just seems like something Mike Brown would do. I’m not saying, I’m just saying.
Finally, if gambling were legal, would we have thought about putting money on the Grizzlies a month ago to win it all at 40-1 odds? (Wait, I think I know the answer to that one).
Eric W: So many questions. So little time. First I think we would be remiss if we didn’t take a moment to lament the fact that Steve Nash and his Suns did not sneak into the playoffs this year. Here’s hoping he doesn’t go to Miami. We love you Steve even if you can’t play defense.
We both know that Allas hasn’t been the same since Tyson Chandler left for New York. None D. Lamar Odom has been deactivated, or something to that effect that allows him not to play and also get paid. I need one of those deals. He has also done something I didn’t think was possible: he has made me legitimately interested in watching a Kardashian on my television. I wonder if his reality show with Khloe K has any revelations as to why Lamar has been so terrible this year. That’s really beside the point, but what I’m getting at is the Mavs are not the same team they were last year. Shawn Marion is infuriatingly decent and the JET still scores points. J. Kidd is older than my Dad, but he’s okay. But nothing about this team, other than Dirk, is great in my estimation. You know I don’t like to look things up, so this may be wrong, but I believe the Thundo took the Mavs to six games in last year’s match up. This year OKC is better and the Mavs are worse. You do the math. KD, Russy and The Beard (traumatic brain injury or not) will take care of points. Thabo, Serge and Perkins will take care of perimeter defense, protection at the rim and terrifyingly blank stare-downs, respectively. I think the Thunder are a more complete team right now than the Mavs.
Mike Brown would lose a first round playoff series. Unless he is getting swept in the 2007 Finals by the Spurs. I enjoy the Nuggets to an extent, but they lack what Bill Simmons would call the Alpha Dog. They don’t have a go-to scorer when they absolutely need buckets. The Nuggets are like a Real-World house cast. Together, they do mildly entertaining things and enjoy relative success, but apart they can only sustain their success by showing up at random bars/clubs and getting hammered drunk for nominal appearance fees. What I mean is that the Nuggets are a good team, without a great star, which is to be commended, but in no way defended in a seven game series against the Alpha Dog to end all Alpha Dogs (Kobe) bookended (sure, that’s a verb) by two legitimate seven-footers, even if one is Spanish. I wouldn’t be shocked if the Lakers find a way to mess this up, but when it comes down to Andrew Bynum and Pau Gasol vs. JaVale McGee and Birdman, I’ll take the Lakers. My apologies to George.
If gambling were legal, you’re right, we would have definitely put a relatively miniscule amount of money on the Grizzlies to win the NBA Championship more than a month ago, because we love us some Grizzlies. More importantly, we love us some money. Apologies to KD and the rest of our Thundo. You will always be our favorite, unless we can win money.
EK: I’m with you on OKC - Dallas. I was just playing the pessimistic angle to see if you were worried at all. I think the series will be over in five. It’s possible OKC has three players better than anyone on Dallas (with sincere apologies to Dirk). Game. Set. Match.
Real quick shout out to the Spurs who are the quietest #1 seed in recent memory. Tony Parker has been a top-5 MVP candidate (I just said something nice about a Frenchman. I have lost all respect for myself) and you can’t say enough about Pop other than he’s the best coach in the league. End of story. They should move on easily to the second round where a potential Spurs - Grizz matchup is possible. I think the Grizz will be too much for LAC and engage in a seven game battle where depth, youth and Z-BO will knock out the Spurs. It’s also worth mentioning the Grizzlies give the Thunder all sorts of problems for whatever reason.
I’ll call it right now, the Lakers - Nuggets series is going seven games. I won’t take any cheap shots at Kobe (he takes enough shots of his own already), but I don’t think he has the ability to take over a series anymore. A game yes, but not a series. I think Denver will push them to the limit and we’ll see World Peace make his return in the deciding game. Drama.
Going back to the Thunder though, after round one I still think there is some cause for concern. Did they peak too early? Will Russ be too selfish? Is Beard okay? Can they conquer their Memphis demons? These are serious questions. I don’t have the answers.
I don’t have answers but I do have some predictions for the West:
Worst Coach - Vinny Del Negro, LAC (Honorable Mention: Mike Brown)
Man Time Award - Kenneth Faried, Denver
I Can’t Believe We Miss Barea Award - Dallas
First Round: OKC over Dallas in 5
LAL over Denver in 7
San Antonio over Utah in 5
Memphis over LAC in 6
Second Round: Memphis over San Antonio in 7
OKC over LAL in 6
Western Finals: OKC over Memphis in 7
EW: I see what you did there. Parentheticals are still cheap shots. Just because Kobe and I are on the outs after he refused to drop a crisp 53 on the Kings this past Thursday to win the scoring title doesn’t mean that you can slip in cheap shots and assume I’ll let them slip by. You are on notice. Don’t let it happen again.
I agree about Tony Parker, though. He may be the best point guard out West. Apologies to Chris Paul. And, no, I will not make apologies to Russell Westbrook, because he is not as good as Parker.
Predictions:
Most Free Throws Missed In A Game Of Consequence: Blake Griffin, Clippers.
Most Idiotic Pull Up 17-Footers in Traffic With League-Best Scorer/Teammate Open On The Wing: Russ Westbrook, Thunder.
Least Likely To Get Dunked On in First Round: Any San Antonio Spur, Spurs.
Most Likely To Catch A World Peace Elbow: Let’s be honest, no one is safe, Planet Earth.
First Round:
Spurs over Jazz in 4. The Jazz aren’t good.
Thunder over Mavericks in 5. I hate agreeing with you, but my above reasoning is sound.
Lakers over Nuggets in 6. Again, you have faith in Denver. I do not.
Memphis over Clippers in 5. Chris Paul, meet my friend, Tony Allen.
Second Round:
Memphis over Spurs in 7. Tony Parker, meet my friend, Tony Allen.
Thunder over Lakers in 5. Good luck guarding Russ Westbrook, Mike Brown.
Western Finals:
Memphis over Thunder in 7. Russell Westbrook, meet my friend, Tony Allen.
Saturday, April 14, 2012
Sports Movies....What If?
We all have movies that when they are on TV we have to stop and watch regardless of what else is on or what we have to do. My list includes Ocean’s 11, Independence Day, Rocky IV and Shawshank Redemption. I make no apologies for any of these but just know if they are on, I am watching. Today the TV schedule blessed me by showing Rocky IV and I watched from start to finish. It gets the job done every time.
In sports, there are countless “What Ifs?” that we can go back and wonder how one event could have changed the course of sports history as we know it. Whether it is a trade, big play or off-the-field incident, single events have changed the way we remember history. What if the opposite or a different course had happened? What if Michael Jordan stayed retired, John Elway chose baseball, Laettner missed “the shot”? Each of these events as is had a deep impact on the sports landscape but the “what if” is interesting to contemplate.
Today when I was watching Rocky IV, as Rocky stood there frozen while Apollo Creed got the shit kicked out of him by Ivan Drago, I thought to myself, things may have been drastically different if Rocky had thrown the damn towel. If he had, Apollo would have lived, Rocky would have no reason to fight Drago and Russia might have gone on to win the Cold War. Good gracious. Sorry Apollo, your death was a sad but necessary event in American history.
This got me thinking about other sports movies “What Ifs?” are out there. There are surely more but here is a list of a few with some commentary on each:
Mighty Ducks: What if Gordon Bombay had blown a .007?
Thoughts: Bombay would have remained a hot shot lawyer and the Hawks, Iceland and the Varsity team would have all gone onto glory. Doesn’t sound like a world I want to live in. I think we can all agree it was the only positive DUI in history.
Happy Gilmore - What if Happy never learned how to putt?
Thoughts: His career would have gone a lot like Sergio Garcia’s has.
Jerry Maguire - What if Jerry had signed #1 pick Frank Cushman?
Thoughts: Fucking Bob Sugar….
Rocky III - What if Rocky and Apollo didn’t hug on the beach?
Thoughts: We wouldn’t have to question Rocky and Apollo’s sexuality.
Major League - What if Rick Vaughn went curveball on the 0-2 pitch to Clu Haywood?
Thoughts: Clu Haywood would have blasted it for a homerun, the Yankees would have won and the only happy memory in Cleveland sports history would not have been. Hmmm….is there still time for a rewrite?
Hoosiers - What if Jimmy Chitwood went 19-23?
Thoughts: Don’t even want to think about a scenario where Hickery High doesn’t win. I can’t take it.
Space Jam - What if the aliens took Hakeem Olajuwan’s powers instead of Shawn Bradley’s?
Thoughts: Wow. Where to begin. The Aliens would have won the game, Michael Jordan would become prisoner of the aliens and never return to the NBA to win three more titles. We might be living in a world where Shawn Kemp and Karl Malone are NBA Champions. Just be grateful the aliens are suspect NBA scouts.
Tin Cup - What if Roy McAvoy didn’t ask for another ball?
Thoughts: We’d probably remember Tin Cup as the movie version of the 2006 US Open with Roy McAvoy playing Phil Mickelson.
The Sandlot - What if Benny the Jet never put on his PF Flyers?
Thoughts: Not sure he clears the wall and the Beast probably eats him and the rest of the kids are traumatized for life. On a related note, The Sandlot would probably have received a PG-13 rating.
Some interesting and potentially disastrous possibilities. Lucky for us, you can’t change history, only contemplate it.
Friday, April 13, 2012
Baker's Dozens and Missing Floors
This morning I woke up, walked into the bathroom and shattered my mirror with my bare hand. I drove to school only to walk all over some sidewalk cracks and under three ladders occupied by painters. I even picked up three pennies that were unequivocally face-down.
And today is Friday the Thirteenth.
Also, shut up.
Friday the Thirteenth is utter nonsense. Those who suffer from tridecaphobia, or whatever they call those who are afraid of the number 13 in all its various forms, are absurd. I won't even dignify the "phobia" by looking up its proper spelling. It doesn't make sense. None sense, I guess.
There are elevators that have button options for floor 12 and floor 14, but no 13. Said another way: People are bat-shit crazy. I'm sure some people refuse to buy a baker's dozen too. A dozen's probably easier anyway. And it's cheaper too. Idiots.
The phenomenon of Friday the Thirteenth doesn't even make sense in my brain. It's completely irrational and inexplicable that people fear Fridays that happen to be the 13th day in any given month. It's just another quirk of the calendar. Thanks a lot, Pope Gregory XIII. (Yes, that's the thirteenth for those of you who didn't learn anything in school and hate the Super Bowl. But, don't read into that. The world is full of coincidence.)
For those of you who fear this day, I hate you. For those of you who, like me, occupy this here realm of reality, here is a short list of items from our world thatbarely make more sense than a real fear of Friday the Thirteenth:
I ain't scared of no ghost.
But that's mostly because those aren't real either.
And today is Friday the Thirteenth.
Also, shut up.
Friday the Thirteenth is utter nonsense. Those who suffer from tridecaphobia, or whatever they call those who are afraid of the number 13 in all its various forms, are absurd. I won't even dignify the "phobia" by looking up its proper spelling. It doesn't make sense. None sense, I guess.
There are elevators that have button options for floor 12 and floor 14, but no 13. Said another way: People are bat-shit crazy. I'm sure some people refuse to buy a baker's dozen too. A dozen's probably easier anyway. And it's cheaper too. Idiots.
The phenomenon of Friday the Thirteenth doesn't even make sense in my brain. It's completely irrational and inexplicable that people fear Fridays that happen to be the 13th day in any given month. It's just another quirk of the calendar. Thanks a lot, Pope Gregory XIII. (Yes, that's the thirteenth for those of you who didn't learn anything in school and hate the Super Bowl. But, don't read into that. The world is full of coincidence.)
For those of you who fear this day, I hate you. For those of you who, like me, occupy this here realm of reality, here is a short list of items from our world that
Stephen A. Smith's tone of voice; The Three Stooges remake; the 7th-inning stretch; Rubik's cubes, Ice Cube's Coors Light commercials and Ice-T's Law & Order career; mathematics; Dwight Schrute's middle-part; the phrase "I know, right?"; motor sports; left-handed golfers; paying full price at Jos A. Banks; Seal and Heidi Klum's (former) marriage; making your bed; Keanu Reeves; Nickelback on the radio; Ray Lewis' dance; food coloring; tribal arm-band tattoos; impressionist painters; Earth Day; people who say "soda" when they really mean "pop"; every Kardashian not named Kourtney; animated television programs; ankle-high socks; reheated Chinese food; pet cats; John Mayer's Battle Studies; double negatives; pretzel M&Ms; and canned tuna.So if you're scared tonight because you're alone in your apartment on Friday the Thirteenth, who you gonna call? Frankly, I do not care. As long as it's not me.
I ain't scared of no ghost.
But that's mostly because those aren't real either.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
The Masters: What's Not to Love?
Editor's Note: This is the second of two posts about the Masters that ran today. In the previous post, Eric used some of his magic hate juice on the greatest golf tournament in the world. My attempt to clean up his mess is below.
Eric and myself agree on a lot of things, apparently our feelings on the Masters is not one of them. In my defense, it’s hard to agree with someone who is wrong. Being the good friend I am though, rather than privately guide him to see the light, I will publicly embarrass him by rebutting to his libel-filled, erroneous post that attempts to disparage The Masters.
Eric is right about one thing. The Masters does take itself seriously. But it should; it is after all the greatest golf tournament on the planet. If you want to make jokes, go watch tapes of me playing golf or look up Phil Mickelson’s cup size on the internet. The Masters is put on a pedestal because it’s earned that right. Eric’s attempt to knock it off with reckless commentary will not be allowed to stand. I am here to defend the tradition unlike any other (although I kind of feel like Thanksgiving turkey should have called dibs on this slogan first).
The Masters is the only major held at a recurring site year after year. There is a reason for this. Augusta is the mecca of the golf world. A perfect course layout. Defining holes. Daunting shots. Azaleas that add a plush of color to a perfect landscape. If Monet painted golf courses, he would have painted Augusta. It’s pristine, pure and beautiful.
“I don’t want to belong to any club that will have me as a member.” Augusta National won’t have me as a member and they sure as hell won’t have you. Only 300 invite-only members have that privilege. The club is made up of Elitists and they make no apologies for it. Nor should they. They are better than you and they know it.
This all adds to the aura that makes Augusta National and thus the Masters the greatest tournament in the world. Augusta won’t let women in. Sponsors are constantly turned away. Augusta doesn’t want the money nor do they need it. They simply don’t give a fuck. And while I’m not saying it’s right to discriminate against women, it’s refreshing in this “self-righteous treat everyone equal world” to see someone stand their ground and not give in to the small vocal minority. People aren’t all equal and neither are golf courses. This is just a fact.
You want to talk about America? Augusta makes its own rules, does what it wants and its better than everyone else. Nothing is more American than that.
Augusta’s power and influence is also better for you, the viewer. Because Augusta dictates everything about the Masters you only have to watch four minutes of commercials per hour. How can less commercials be a bad thing? Answer: it can’t.
Eric’s contention about the “Green Jacket” is blasphemy. Since when does being different automatically make it wrong? Let’s hand out another boring trophy. Genius idea! The green jacket is another unique quality that makes the Masters the pinnacle of majors.
Finally hating on Jim Nantz crossed the line. Jim Nantz and the Masters are perfect for each other. Every time he says “hello friends” at Augusta I feel like he means it. His cliché, calm and sappy style was crafted for the Masters and adds a crowning touch to the tournament. I don’t like Jim Nantz announcing my Super Bowls, but he can talk to me about Augusta as much as he wants.
If you are still having doubts on whether the Masters is the greatest golf tournament in the world just watch this video. “Oh My Goodness” the Masters is awesome.
The Masters: A Tradition Just Like All The Others
Editor's Note: This is the first of two posts regarding The Masters. Ed will follow this shortly with why he thinks the exact opposite of everything you're about to read. He is foolish. He will also try to convince you that I am wrong, which we all know is also foolish.
Loud repetitive noises, people who mouth-kiss their dogs and Lebron James. These are probably the only things I hate more in this world than people who take themselves too seriously. This is why I hate the Masters. The Masters takes itself entirely too seriously.
My premise is simple and it is singular: The Masters is not better than any of the other three majors in golf despite what everyone would have you believe.
The nonsense starts with the host club - Augusta National - and its members. It trickles down through CBS to Jim Nantz and through ESPN. Every media member and organization participates in creating the majesty of Augusta. They contribute to it by perpetuating the self-fulfilling prophecy of tradition and majesty until the public at large is left to wonder what's real. Or, instead of wondering what's real, they just eat it up like fruit snacks and continue the vicious cycle. See e.g. Kendralla, Edward.
The real-life He-Man Woman Haters convenes at Augusta National Country Club. The southern gentlemen, read: old pretentious white dudes, took their time allowing African-American members, and still haven't let a lady in the club. The first African-American finally came aboard in 1990. Twenty-six years after the Civil Rights Act. I was four.
The Club-That-Time-Forgot has steadfastly held onto its "No Girls Allowed (Not Even Moms)" Rule. Martha Burk famously protested this fact during the Masters and was politely asked to walk down the street and do it somewhere public. This year the no-lady policy is front and center again because the Masters long-time sponsor, IBM, now has a woman CEO. Her name is Virginia Rometty. The last four IBM CEOs have been invited to join Augusta National. Somehow, I think Virginia's invitation will get lost in the mail.
Obviously, as a private club, Augusta can do whatever it wants. This is, after all, America. But, just because it's allowed by law doesn't mean we have to be okay with it. Even President Obama, whom I know Ed adores, (and GOP-hopeful, Mitt Romney) thinks women should be admitted.
I hope we can all appreciate the serious fact-centric paragraphs above. That was a whole lot of Wikipedia and political things and stuff. Those particular reasons, while true, and disappointing, are not the real reasons I don't like the Masters (although I think we can all agree they don't help the situation). I'm a much simpler man. I was simply laying out real-people concerns surrounding this tournament. Now it's my turn:
Generally, places that require dress codes are not my scene. It's just unnecessary. I'm sure you have to wear pants to play golf there. If I want to flaunt my ankcalves (my calves are as thin as my ankles) when I'm at the top of my back swing, I should be able to do so.
Also, since when did just handing out trophies to the winner go out of vogue? That tradition isn't good enough for the Masters. They had a better idea. Let's make an article of clothing that looks classy, but no one would ever actually wear unless we made them. I'd imagine this is how it went down:
"Hey, let's make a green sports coat and give it to each winner. This is better than trophies. It's superfluous garments. And we love superfluous."
"Yeah and we could also have the previous year's winner put the jacket on this year's winner."
"Cool. Great idea. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go sip tea and read the Wall Street Journal with my monocle."
Even Jim Nantz's normally sappy schtick is turned up to an eleven during this tournament. His favorite phrase, other than "Hello, friends," (seriously, Jim, we're not friends, and if we were, and that's how you greeted me and some of your other friends upon arriving at your home, I can assure you we wouldn't be friends long.) is "A Tradition Unlike Any Other." Admittedly, a great phrase. Catchy. To the point. The only problem? It's not true.
The U.S. Open, the British Open and the PGA Championship are quite similar traditions. I'm a proponent of the U.S. Open because this is America. Also, the only major I saw in person was the 2007 U.S. Open at Oakmont Country Club. The hardest golf course in the country. The winner that year finished with a 72-hole +5. Get on that level, Augusta. You're going to need a space shuttle or a ladder that's forever because a tournament that Phil Mickelson has won three times can't be that hard. Ohandbytheway, how many U.S. Open Championships has Phil won? (Hint: it's the same as me).
In the immortal words of one Gilmore, Happy: "Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit?" I couldn't agree more. Golf is golf. Fancy green jacket and fancy private club aside. Golf is always just golf. So, Masters, get off of your high-horse.
Regardless, I'll be watching Sunday (if Tiger's in contention) hoping like hell that Charles Pretzel doesn't have to put that stupid green jacket on himself this year. That could get real awkward.
Here, Ed, take the mic, I'm outtie. Tell these people something they don't know about [The Masters].
P.S. "Amen Corner" is borderline blasphemous and not even a right angle. They're out of control.
Loud repetitive noises, people who mouth-kiss their dogs and Lebron James. These are probably the only things I hate more in this world than people who take themselves too seriously. This is why I hate the Masters. The Masters takes itself entirely too seriously.
My premise is simple and it is singular: The Masters is not better than any of the other three majors in golf despite what everyone would have you believe.
The nonsense starts with the host club - Augusta National - and its members. It trickles down through CBS to Jim Nantz and through ESPN. Every media member and organization participates in creating the majesty of Augusta. They contribute to it by perpetuating the self-fulfilling prophecy of tradition and majesty until the public at large is left to wonder what's real. Or, instead of wondering what's real, they just eat it up like fruit snacks and continue the vicious cycle. See e.g. Kendralla, Edward.
The real-life He-Man Woman Haters convenes at Augusta National Country Club. The southern gentlemen, read: old pretentious white dudes, took their time allowing African-American members, and still haven't let a lady in the club. The first African-American finally came aboard in 1990. Twenty-six years after the Civil Rights Act. I was four.
The Club-That-Time-Forgot has steadfastly held onto its "No Girls Allowed (Not Even Moms)" Rule. Martha Burk famously protested this fact during the Masters and was politely asked to walk down the street and do it somewhere public. This year the no-lady policy is front and center again because the Masters long-time sponsor, IBM, now has a woman CEO. Her name is Virginia Rometty. The last four IBM CEOs have been invited to join Augusta National. Somehow, I think Virginia's invitation will get lost in the mail.
Obviously, as a private club, Augusta can do whatever it wants. This is, after all, America. But, just because it's allowed by law doesn't mean we have to be okay with it. Even President Obama, whom I know Ed adores, (and GOP-hopeful, Mitt Romney) thinks women should be admitted.
I hope we can all appreciate the serious fact-centric paragraphs above. That was a whole lot of Wikipedia and political things and stuff. Those particular reasons, while true, and disappointing, are not the real reasons I don't like the Masters (although I think we can all agree they don't help the situation). I'm a much simpler man. I was simply laying out real-people concerns surrounding this tournament. Now it's my turn:
Generally, places that require dress codes are not my scene. It's just unnecessary. I'm sure you have to wear pants to play golf there. If I want to flaunt my ankcalves (my calves are as thin as my ankles) when I'm at the top of my back swing, I should be able to do so.
Also, since when did just handing out trophies to the winner go out of vogue? That tradition isn't good enough for the Masters. They had a better idea. Let's make an article of clothing that looks classy, but no one would ever actually wear unless we made them. I'd imagine this is how it went down:
"Hey, let's make a green sports coat and give it to each winner. This is better than trophies. It's superfluous garments. And we love superfluous."
"Yeah and we could also have the previous year's winner put the jacket on this year's winner."
"Cool. Great idea. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go sip tea and read the Wall Street Journal with my monocle."
Even Jim Nantz's normally sappy schtick is turned up to an eleven during this tournament. His favorite phrase, other than "Hello, friends," (seriously, Jim, we're not friends, and if we were, and that's how you greeted me and some of your other friends upon arriving at your home, I can assure you we wouldn't be friends long.) is "A Tradition Unlike Any Other." Admittedly, a great phrase. Catchy. To the point. The only problem? It's not true.
The U.S. Open, the British Open and the PGA Championship are quite similar traditions. I'm a proponent of the U.S. Open because this is America. Also, the only major I saw in person was the 2007 U.S. Open at Oakmont Country Club. The hardest golf course in the country. The winner that year finished with a 72-hole +5. Get on that level, Augusta. You're going to need a space shuttle or a ladder that's forever because a tournament that Phil Mickelson has won three times can't be that hard. Ohandbytheway, how many U.S. Open Championships has Phil won? (Hint: it's the same as me).
In the immortal words of one Gilmore, Happy: "Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit?" I couldn't agree more. Golf is golf. Fancy green jacket and fancy private club aside. Golf is always just golf. So, Masters, get off of your high-horse.
Regardless, I'll be watching Sunday (if Tiger's in contention) hoping like hell that Charles Pretzel doesn't have to put that stupid green jacket on himself this year. That could get real awkward.
Here, Ed, take the mic, I'm outtie. Tell these people something they don't know about [The Masters].
P.S. "Amen Corner" is borderline blasphemous and not even a right angle. They're out of control.
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Know Ya Boo - Big League Chew Podcast #3
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Ed had to sit this play out. Apparently he hates fun. And, here I thought that was my job. He also doesn't really watch this show, so he's been banished to the fourth floor to scan endless amounts of documents among the meth heads and divorce court filings.
Nick and I share a love for the quaint Pawnee Parks and Recreation Department so we decided to waste some of our time talking about it.
While blogging and hosting podcasts aren't on the Swanson Pyramid of Greatness, we're not offended. Ron has lost more in his moustache than we'll ever know about being men. All we know is that we're more manly than the narrow-footed, fur-boot wearing and constantly scheming Tom Haverford. At least, we hope.
Our misguided passion for a sit-com rivals only that of Leslie Knope's passion for all things Park and Pawnee related. Like Jean Ralphio, though, we won't always end on the rhyme. But, unlike Jean Ralphio, we will try to make some sense.
Good shows make us laugh. Great shows make us laugh and teach us things about life. As Tom Haverford once said, "Starting now, when life gives me lemons, I'm going to slice them up into wedges and throw them into vodka tonics, which I will then sip, in a burlesque night club, that I co-own, with actor Taye Diggs and two of the Pussycat Dolls."
Know Ya Boo - Big League Chew Podcast #3
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