The Masters: A Tradition Just Like All The Others

Editor's Note: This is the first of two posts regarding The Masters.  Ed will follow this shortly with why he thinks the exact opposite of everything you're about to read.  He is foolish.  He will also try to convince you that I am wrong, which we all know is also foolish.

Loud repetitive noises, people who mouth-kiss their dogs and Lebron James. These are probably the only things I hate more in this world than people who take themselves too seriously. This is why I hate the Masters. The Masters takes itself entirely too seriously.

My premise is simple and it is singular: The Masters is not better than any of the other three majors in golf despite what everyone would have you believe.

The nonsense starts with the host club - Augusta National - and its members.  It trickles down through CBS to Jim Nantz and through ESPN.  Every media member and organization participates in creating the majesty of Augusta.  They contribute to it by perpetuating the self-fulfilling prophecy of tradition and majesty until the public at large is left to wonder what's real.  Or, instead of wondering what's real, they just eat it up like fruit snacks and continue the vicious cycle.  See e.g. Kendralla, Edward.

The real-life He-Man Woman Haters convenes at Augusta National Country Club.  The southern gentlemen, read: old pretentious white dudes, took their time allowing African-American members, and still haven't let a lady in the club.  The first African-American finally came aboard in 1990.  Twenty-six years after the Civil Rights Act.  I was four.

The Club-That-Time-Forgot has steadfastly held onto its "No Girls Allowed (Not Even Moms)" Rule.  Martha Burk famously protested this fact during the Masters and was politely asked to walk down the street and do it somewhere public.  This year the no-lady policy is front and center again because the Masters long-time sponsor, IBM, now has a woman CEO.  Her name is Virginia Rometty.  The last four IBM CEOs have been invited to join Augusta National.  Somehow, I think Virginia's invitation will get lost in the mail. 

Obviously, as a private club, Augusta can do whatever it wants.  This is, after all, America.  But, just because it's allowed by law doesn't mean we have to be okay with it.  Even President Obama, whom I know Ed adores, (and GOP-hopeful, Mitt Romney) thinks women should be admitted. 

I hope we can all appreciate the serious fact-centric paragraphs above.  That was a whole lot of Wikipedia and political things and stuff.  Those particular reasons, while true, and disappointing, are not the real reasons I don't like the Masters (although I think we can all agree they don't help the situation).  I'm a much simpler man.  I was simply laying out real-people concerns surrounding this tournament.  Now it's my turn:

Generally, places that require dress codes are not my scene.  It's just unnecessary.  I'm sure you have to wear pants to play golf there.  If I want to flaunt my ankcalves (my calves are as thin as my ankles) when I'm at the top of my back swing, I should be able to do so. 

Also, since when did just handing out trophies to the winner go out of vogue?  That tradition isn't good enough for the Masters.  They had a better idea.  Let's make an article of clothing that looks classy, but no one would ever actually wear unless we made them.  I'd imagine this is how it went down:

"Hey, let's make a green sports coat and give it to each winner.  This is better than trophies.  It's superfluous garments.  And we love superfluous." 

"Yeah and we could also have the previous year's winner put the jacket on this year's winner."

"Cool.  Great idea.  Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go sip tea and read the Wall Street Journal with my monocle."

Even Jim Nantz's normally sappy schtick is turned up to an eleven during this tournament.  His favorite phrase, other than "Hello, friends," (seriously, Jim, we're not friends, and if we were, and that's how you greeted me and some of your other friends upon arriving at your home, I can assure you we wouldn't be friends long.) is "A Tradition Unlike Any Other."  Admittedly, a great phrase.  Catchy. To the point.  The only problem?  It's not true. 

The U.S. Open, the British Open and the PGA Championship are quite similar traditions.  I'm a proponent of the U.S. Open because this is America.  Also, the only major I saw in person was the 2007 U.S. Open at Oakmont Country Club.  The hardest golf course in the country.  The winner that year finished with a 72-hole +5.  Get on that level, Augusta.  You're going to need a space shuttle or a ladder that's forever because a tournament that Phil Mickelson has won three times can't be that hard.  Ohandbytheway, how many U.S. Open Championships has Phil won?  (Hint: it's the same as me). 

In the immortal words of one Gilmore, Happy: "Gold jacket, green jacket, who gives a shit?"  I couldn't agree more.  Golf is golf.  Fancy green jacket and fancy private club aside.  Golf is always just golf.  So, Masters, get off of your high-horse.

Regardless, I'll be watching Sunday (if Tiger's in contention) hoping like hell that Charles Pretzel doesn't have to put that stupid green jacket on himself this year.  That could get real awkward.

Here, Ed, take the mic, I'm outtie.  Tell these people something they don't know about [The Masters].

P.S.  "Amen Corner" is borderline blasphemous and not even a right angle.  They're out of control.