Sleep: Some Just Do It Better

I enjoy doing nothing.

If there were a contest to determine who could go the longest without actually doing anything, I would watch that.  That's how serious I am.  I can waste time with the best of them.  Doing absolutely nothing.

Call it procrastination.  Apathy.  Maybe full-blown laziness.  Call it whatever you want.  I call it wonderful.

This luxury will not be available forever, at least that's what I'm told, but since I've been nothing but a student for the better part of two decades, it's a luxury I've enjoyed.

I think it was Abraham Lincoln who once said "Why do something today you can put off until tomorrow."  Actually, now that I read that, there's no way Lincoln said that.  He oversaw the Civil War, freed the slaves and talked about four scores and some other stuff once at Gettysburg.  The dude was busy.

I, fortunately for everyone involved, don't run America.  I'm a full-time student and a full-time sleeper.  I love doing nothing so much that I sleep for at least 8 hours a night.

That's right.  I sleep for eight hours almost every night of the week.  Just last night I fell asleep before Jon Stewart got to the guest-interview portion of his 11 p.m. program and woke at 9:01 a.m. only because my alarm starting causing a ruckus.  That's a solid 10 hours.  On a Wednesday. 

A full-night's sleep is essential. Something about REM cycles, Circadian rhythms and science. I sleep so much that I've never actually put coffee in my mouth. I just don't need it. Natural energy trumps caffeine.  Every time.

While 10 hours is on the high side, even for me, it doesn't mean that a good night's sleep is unattainable.  It's very attainable.  You just have to want it.

And you have to be willing to sacrifice some things.  Not every 25-year-old can commit to an early bed time.  I haven't seen an episode of The Colbert Report in about a year, and I can't tell you the last time I made it past half time of the late NBA game on TNT, ESPN or NBATV.  But that's why Youtube and SportsCenter exist.  Sacrifices have to be made.

The right equipment is also a necessity.  I have two pillows, but never use them at the same time.  I happen to like the free range of motion in my neck.  I have a two-year-old pillow-top comforter that literally changed my life.  You have to like your bed to spend 10 consecutive hours laying in it.  That's just common sense.

I love sleep so much that I genuinely feel badly for those who have problems sleeping.  Insomnia is my nightmare.  And, no, the irony of that sentence is not lost on me.  Wanting to sleep and simply not being able to has to be one of the most agonizing feelings in the entire world.  I can't even imagine.

I've been mocked, ridiculed and even called "Grandpa" by an enterprising few for my sleeping habits.  To all the haters:  Don't knock the hustle.  Even if in this case, it's the opposite of hustle.  It's sleep.

Tebow's New Laundry

Tim Tebow is excited to be a New York Jet. How do we know this? Only because he told us approximately 3,456 times in his introductory press conference.

Reports have confirmed that Tebow himself in fact chose to be traded to the Jets over the Jacksonville Jaguars, the team located just miles from where he became a college football legend. The Jaguars not only offered a home in familiar territory, but also less media pressure and a better opportunity to be the starting QB as the Jets appear (for some reason unclear to us) committed to the Sanchize, Mark Sanchez.

Despite these factors in the Jags favor, he spurned them in favor of the Jets for reasons unidentified to this point. While I do not know the exact reason why Tebow is currently bro-ing it out with Sanchez in New York, I am positive it is one or a combination of the following:

His conservative beliefs wouldn’t go over well in Los Angeles.

Mike Mularkey has a reputation attempting passes of longer than 10 yards.

Tebow is an excellent evaluator of wide receiver talent and knows the Jaguars have none.

Blaine Gabbert and his dreamy blonde hair might be better looking than him.

He is already a lock to carry Florida when he runs for president in 2032 but needs more support in typically democratic New York.

He’s as tired as we are with awkward Eli Manning interviews.

“Tebow” sounds cooler in a New York accent.

He’s ready to lose his virginity and wants Mark Sanchez’s guidance (or to lose it to Sanchez).

March Madness - Big League Chew Podcast #1

There are three things I know in this world: I like my steak medium, my TV big, and my March mad. Eric, Ed, and I launch the Big League Chew Podcast - hosted here AT LEAST once a week on the Dangerous Day blog - by discussing our favorite springtime dance, where 10 sweaty muscular dudes fight to slam a ball (and sometimes an arm!) through a round hole.

Unfortunately, both my Backspace and Delete buttons are broken, so I cannot edit the previous awkward and possibly misleading sentence at this time. However, I hope that you are all mature enough to understand that we're excited to sum up the tournament and preview the Final Four, even if it meant we had to take turns bending over backwards for each other to make it happen.

Damnit. They'll never let me post on this blog again.     
 
March Madness - Big League Chew Podcast #1

Too Little, Too Late

I’m the type of person who will always arrive early to a class, event, or social function. I can’t stand being late, it stresses me out. Hell, I’ll arrive early to a party even though I know it’s much cooler to be fashionably late (I’m also not cool, so there’s that). It’s just how I’m wired. My esteemed colleague and friend, Nick Iannarino, is the Skittle to my M&M on this matter. To the best of my knowledge he has never been early to anything in his life. He’s not being fashionably late either, just late. Despite this polar opposite view and lifestyle on appropriate promptness, it doesn’t appear being early or late has really affected our lives significantly where I can prove being early is actually better than being late (this pains me to say), other than the fact it pisses people like me off.

When Google Plus entered the social media scene years after Facebook and Twitter gained an Empire pre-Luke Skywalker hold on the space, I was skeptical, but my cyber crush on Google caused me to give it a legitimate chance. And guess what, I loved it. It was everything Twitter and Facebook provided me in a delicious all-in-one platform with some additional goodies like the “Hangout” and “Circles” features. I thought for sure it would catch on. I thought it would join the ranks of Facebook and Twitter and possibly even convert some users to go exclusively to Google Plus. Didn’t happen. Turned out I overlooked a few key factors that spelled doom for Google Plus even before it launched: 

1. There’s such thing as too much pie. Google has been reminded of the fact you can have too much of a great thing. One of the primary reasons social media is so widespread is that it allows us to connect with people around the globe quickly and easily. Time poverty is a serious issue in today’s globalized world and social media is seen as an easy solution. What Google didn’t realize is that between Facebook and Twitter, Google Plus’s primary competitors in terms of function, people were full on social media. Adding a third device only adds to the time poverty problem, doesn’t solve it. People had to make a choice, and they clearly went with the familiar face over the late arrival. 

2. Everybody's Doing It. Following the crowd was a mistake in high school if it involved smoking weed or verbally abusing a ginger (wait that’s still okay), but in the digital world this is what we call the network effect and it’s critical to success. Network effect essentially means more and more people will do something because other people are doing something. This was clearly the case with Facebook and Twitter. Google Plus appeared to be on its way with high initial signup numbers, however, the activity on the platform never transpired. It was a free ice cream sample that no one came back to buy. I held on longer than some, not as long as others. There are still a moderate number of people that continue to use Google Plus today but that group does not include my friends or people I associate with. I would be interacting with myself and that loner from 6^th grade who wants to talk about The World of Warcraft. Google Plus is like the girl that’s a 9 you have a serious crush on but won’t give you the time day while you have two 7’s waiting to give you some action. Eventually you will realize the 7’s will more than suffice and you will soon forget about the 9. I like Google Plus, but I will not waste my time with it when I can connect much easier with friends on Facebook and Twitter, and this reflects the opinion of many. 

3. Not a Flying Car. Facebook gave us the relationship status, like button and news feed. Twitter gave us news updates, celebrity access, 140 characters and the #. Aside from a cool hang out feature, Google Plus is really just an altered version of Facebook. The differences are there but not profound enough to convince people to substitute one for the other. Google Plus offers more of the same with the +1, profiles, wall posts and status updates that it isn’t being different enough to warrant a change in habit. Facebook is so firmly entrenched in people’s lives, why make the switch from 2% milk to 1% milk, even if it might be a tad bit better for you.

Maybe there is still hope for Google Plus. Maybe Google Plus is just ahead of its time. Maybe the world will be ready for more social media soon. Maybe it still has a chance to do to Facebook what Facebook did to MySpace. I’d like to believe this, but something tells me that unlike Nick, Google Plus will pay for being not-so-fashionably late and may be destined to “hang out” with MySpace in the social media after party.

Snacks in Snacks.

Not too long ago it was confirmed by legitimate national news-makers what we had all long suspected: Taco Bell doesn't actually serve food fit for human consumption.

Something about their "meat" not containing the minimum requirement of actual meat to be officially considered "meat."  I won't bother you with the details.  Mostly because that would require a Google search or two.  What you need to know is that instead of serving meat, Taco Bell was serving meat-flavored sauce.  Or slosh.  Or slop.  Or something. 

Bottom line: none meat.

So, what did Taco Bell do next?  Well, they presumably added more meat to meet (homophones are fun) acceptable public health standards.  But after that, what did they do?

What they did sickens me more than any lack of actual meat quantities. 

They reverted to the first-grade cafeteria and unsupervised summer lunch-making staple.  They started putting potato chips where they don't belong. 

Taco Bell decided they'd up the quality of their food by adding copious amounts of snack-bag favorites to their already deplorable menu items. 

"The burrito is boring.  Let's throw some spicy hot Fritos in one of them and act like we've come up with something new.  It's cool because it's crunchy, even though you wouldn't expect a burrito to be crunchy."  Great.  That's exactly what I was thinking when I threw some pretzel sticks into my PB and J's.  Snacks in snacks.

After the Fritos, there was the inevitable inclusion of Doritos the other Spanish-sounding snack food.  But this time, Taco Bell got even more creative.  Instead of crushing some Doritos up and throwing them in a burrito or a taco, they had to do things a little differently, because, well, they already had the Fritos burrito. 

So this time, they decided to make their taco shells out of Doritos.  Yes.  That happened.  It's an over-sized orange nightmare specially manufactured to hold any and all meat-flavored slosh.

And we really wonder why America's fat?  Really?

Shut it, Trebek.

Alex Trebek is a 71-year-old Canadian who has hosted Jeopardy! since 1984.  This concludes the factual niceties of this post.

First, let's be clear.  I love Jeopardy!.  It's one of my favorite shows on television.  I've been watching it for years.  I love the tournament of champions, the word-play categories and even Watson, the super-computer robot that IBM created to destroy Ken Jennings.  I also, along with every other educated American enjoy the teen, college and teacher tournaments the most, because, well, they're just easier.

I'm decently sure that even though my grandmother knew I did well in school the only reason she ever thought I was smart was because I used to crush her in Jeopardy!.  Well, that and the fact that I wear glasses.

That being said, there are some things about the show that cause me physical pain.  It should surprise no one, though, that a show audacious enough to include an exclamation point in its title occasionally gives me the urge to drown kittens.  There are two reoccurring happenings within this timeless game show that crush my soul more than most:

1.) Trebek's over-the-top pronunciations of all words and names of foreign origin.  We get it Alex, you're cultured.  Just read the damn answers.

2.) The entire portion of the show where Trebek briefly interviews the three contestants.

I maintain that these mini-interviews are the worst five minutes of television programming available to American consumers.

It's tragic mostly because the interviews normally involve three contestants who are strangers to being on camera.  I don't even blame them for these atrocities.  The blame for these nauseating interviews falls squarely on the Canadian shoulders of Alex Trebek.

Instead of smoothly setting up the contestant to tell a dumb story about their boring lives, Trebek routinely tries to make the interaction more comical by either adding to it or stealing the punchline of the contestant's anecdote.  It's a balancing act with Trebek.  He knows he has to be quick with each contestant, but he also has a seemingly insatiable need to steal what little spotlight the contestant might have in his or her moment.

It's like a train wreck only worse.  A train wreck is intriguing in its tragedy that's hard to turn away from.  These interviews, however, are a vomit-inducing tragedy that almost require a witness to turn away or, at the very least, change the channel.

Forced encounters are unbearable.  Forced encounters on television between strangers facilitated by a Canadian lacking any form of self-awareness are utterly insufferable.